DAD by David Anderson (contains strong language)

I hated my Dad
I’d wrote it on my bedroom wall
In black marker pen
Behind the wardrobe
Beside the mouldy carpet
That lay in a pile in the corner
The week before mum went to hospital
She’d taken a nervous breakdown
He told me it was my fault
He had a hangover that day
They took me away soon after
My mum visited sometimes
She was a good mum
Though not one for kissing it better

I hated my Dad
He left for London
Days after I was taken away
To get a ‘good’ job
So, “things will be better, you’ll see”
I didn’t see him for a year
I blamed my mother
Took explosive and violent tantrums
Either before, during or after every visit
At the time, I didn’t know why
I thought I was a bad person
That my Dad was right
To have called me a little bastard
Or a useless little cunt

I hated my Dad
He turned up unexpectedly one day
With the barmaid from his local
He always did like a drink
He was balder than before
She was blonde and silent
I burst out crying
Hugged him with all my might
I told him I loved him
He arranged to see me the next day
Under the clock in the shopping centre
I wore my best clothes
He didn’t turn up
I went stealing instead

I hated my Dad
As I grew up
I found out what a father could be
My anger consumed me
I lashed out at the wrong people
Latched on to the wrong people
10 years later
I saw him at my Grandad’s funeral
He made my little brother cry
I gave him a black eye
The fight split the family further
He died an alcoholic soon after
I didn’t go to the funeral
Even though I loved my Dad

Now, as I write these new lines
My two boys lie sleeping
Their lives are full of love
Security, surety, serenity
They have never known
What it is to be alone
To wish for a ‘good’ Dad
They tell me they love me
As naturally as the leaves fall
I am soothed and smitten
I vow to do more for them
Keep the flame of love burning bright
So they grow up to be good guys
And hopefully love their Dad

Posted in Poems.

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